HOLLYWOOD, CA – Tom Cruise made a desperate plea to get fans back into movie theaters and end the Hollywood slowdown, telling fans he’s “almost destitute” and “down to his last $100 million.” This comes after the actor previously told fans to stay home, stay safe for the last 14 months.
“It’s time to make some changes now that this virus is starting to affect my lifestyle,” Cruise told reporters from the sun deck of his hover-yacht. “I’ve already furloughed a dozen servants. If this continues much longer, I may need to sell one of my private islands in Greece!”
“Now that vaccines are available, everyone needs to do their part and start buying tickets to my movies,” Cruise said. “For folks like you it’s just a $12 movie ticket, but for folks like me it could be the difference between owning my own private jet and having to rent one to fly to my house in Hawaii.”
Tears began to flow down the destitute actor’s face, and he was forced to wipe them with a nearby pile of hundred-dollar bills.
Other stars noted they have been suffering during the box office slowdown as well. Gwyneth Paltrow said she had to postpone her beloved dog’s hair transplant surgery, and Caitlin Jenner said she’s been forced to switch to generic hormone replacement pills.