LOS ANGELES, CA – Following a dangerous upward trend of getting slapped by Will Smith, the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health has reinstituted a mask mandate to protect against further occurrences of getting slapped by Will Smith.
“CDC data proves conclusively and without a fiber of doubt that mask mandates offer significant protection from Will Smith, in the event you are near him and say something remotely funny,” said Director of Public Health, Dr. Barbara Ferrer. “However, for the safety of others, we also ask that all citizens practice social distancing of at least one mile from Will Smith.”
When asked if she believed mask mandates would protect against Will Smith in the event someone made reference – humorous or not – about his wife Jada brazenly sleeping with other men in the name of an “open marriage,” Dr. Ferrer referred to data indicating that only harmless jokes about a non-lethal, slightly embarrassing health condition would trigger a Will Smith incident.
The health director then added that, in order to prevent those around him from getting slapped, Will Smith should also wear a mask.
The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State: