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Joel Osteen Installs Security Checkpoints At All Church Entrances To Ensure No One Brings A Bible

HOUSTON, TX – Many churches are getting tougher on security, from metal detectors at entrances to security guards stationed in their lobbies.

But no church is tougher on security than Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church. Osteen just announced a state-of-the-art security system to be installed at every single entrance, so the church can ensure that no one brings a Bible.

“Our technologically advanced system can detect everything from a high-capacity MacArthur Study Bible down to a compact, concealed-carry Gideon New Testament,” Osteen said proudly as he showed off the new security checkpoints. “Not so much as a verse gets by these bad boys.”

“You can’t be too careful these days,” he added. “You never know what kind of Scriptures ordinary citizens might be concealing on their person. They could do a lot of damage to my unbiblical worldview.”

The church even requires all smartphones and tablets to be submitted to a guard for a manual inspection, so they can make sure you don’t have a Bible app installed.

One man was tackled Sunday as he tried to bring in his trusty ESV thinline. “Get him!” security cried, wrestling him to the ground and throwing him outside like in the cartoons.

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