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Tuesday, August 16, 2022

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Fauci Wins Oscar For Best Dramatic Performance

LOS ANGELES, CA – In an Oscars first, Dr. Anthony Fauci has won the Oscar for “Best Dramatic Performance,” making him the first non-actor to receive such an award. 

“From the first time we heard him say the word ‘droplets,’ we hung on his every word,” said hilarious Oscars host Amy Schumer. “He captured us with his enthralling, soulful performance, so much so that we blindly did everything he told us to do for two whole years. Never has there been a more influential actor. This year’s award for ‘Best Dramatic Performance’ goes to Anthony Fauci.” 

Hundreds of Pfizer execs seated throughout the room stood to their feet and cheered as Fauci walked to the stage to accept the award as the orchestra played “Marche Funèbre” by Chopin. 

“Thank you for this great honor,” said Fauci. “I humbly accept it on behalf of SCIENCE. While I’m up here, you should all know that it’s really too early to tell whether we should stop wearing masks. I would recommend putting on a mask directly after this ceremony. Put on two or three. Watch out for the DROPLETS! Get BOOSTED! I AM SCIENCE!!!!!!!” 

The screaming Fauci was then escorted off the stage to make way for the next award presentation. 

Michael Simmons’ doctor tells him he’s obese and needs to lose some weight – but the patient has the perfect comeback: he’s pregnant!

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