MEMPHIS, TN – A box of stale Goldfish crackers found in a church storage closet in Memphis has been dated to the late Mesozoic Era, sources confirmed Monday.
Desperate Sunday School teachers at Cornerstonecrosspointe Community Church ransacked the pantry after running out of saltine crackers. They finally checked on a low, neglected shelf when they spotted the box of crackers. Taking a test bite of them, they realized they were nearly petrified: “hard as a rock.”
But they still served them to the kids, of course, and the crisis was averted.
Curious about just how old these crackers were, Pastor Jim Landon called in a team of scientists to utilize reliable, scientific methods to date the cheesy snacks.
“From the staleness level and our reliable dating methods, it’s apparent these crackers have been sitting here for 65,000,000 years,” said one scientist as he took a sample of the crackers for preservation in a local museum. “Most churches throw away Goldfish once they’ve crossed the 10,000,000-year mark, but once in a while you find a perfectly preserved specimen like this.”
Ken Ham quickly disputed the findings, claiming the Goldfish were only 6,000 years old but had been created stale, “with the appearance of age.” “Were you there when these Goldfish were created?” he asked.