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It’s not easy being a non-leftist on a college campus these days. How do you remain true to your beliefs while being successful in a place run by people who want to cancel you forever? Here are 9 tips for survival:
1. Leave immediately: Leave. GET OUT while you still can! These people are completely insane. Become a union pipe-fitter. They make more than college graduates anyway. You’re welcome.
2. Hide all your Thomas Sowell and Milton Friedman books in a secret compartment in your dorm: Hide them behind your alcohol and illegal drugs, where your resident advisor will never find them.
3. Become an underground mole person and never make contact with another human being: Simple. dig a deep tunnel underground, and attend all your classes online. Speak to no one.
4. Pay a pink-haired intersectional feminist to attend classes for you: May be expensive, but totally worth it.
5. Start every non-leftist opinion with “Well, what would you say to my racist Uncle Bill who thinks…”: Always blame racist Uncle Bill.
6. If you slip up and accidentally state a libertarian opinion, end it by saying “…but that’s just my lived experience.”: Lived experience is like magical fairy dust you can sprinkle on almost any opinion to instantly make it valid. (NOTE: works better if you are a member of a marginalized population)
7. Challenge all the woke professors to call down fire from Heaven to consume a burnt offering: Feeling bold? Channel the prophet Elijah and show those commies who’s in charge!
8. Pretend to be mute: Also, remove your hands so no one pressures you to use sign language.
9. Every time you come to a test question you are unsure about, ask yourself– “What is the worst, most idiotic answer I can possibly imagine?”: That’s probably what the teacher is looking for.
Follow these simple tips, and you’ll be fine! Except for the crushing college debt. We can’t really help you with that.
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